If I Lose Myself
by the.love.that.binds
Summary: Jessica Cohen (2x12) awakens as one of the immortals, seeking revenge against the one who killed her. She finds help from a reluctant Alaric Saltzman, who trains her to kill vampires. Mystic Falls is more complicated than she remembers, and she finds herself falling for her enemies. Can she catch herself before it's too late?
1. A Chance of Fate

The last thing I remember is cold, blue eyes staring down at me.

And then the blood.

Everything blurs as I scream helplessly. The predator is hunting his prey. There's nothing I can do to stop it. The headlights of my car glare down on the scene and silhouette the monster. A man, dark raven hair and icy eyes, claiming he's lost. I try to run but he beats me with an impossible, shocking speed that makes my heart hammer.

He's talking to me now, as if trying to calm himself, telling me about his crisis. His secret. He seems torn with himself, unsure of which way to follow. For a moment I almost pity him, sympathizing his position. We're not that much different.

But we are. And I discover that when he kills me. He drains the blood out of me. Why would he do that? He said he would let me go. My neck turns at a gruesome angle it should never go. He snaps my neck, and leaves.

And now I'm laying on the ground, headlights beating down on the road ahead, while I lie here, stuck.

And the moonlight is shining when I open my eyes.

* * *

_A Week Earlier_

x~x~x

I am an orphan. It changed me; made me bitter, made me cruel. Before I was gentle, sweet, caring. The Jessica Cohen I was supposed to be. The one that everybody knew, that everyone _expected._ But the anger stirred in me, lay there raging and fuming like a storm. Whenever I would get angry, the storm ripped out of me and lashed at everyone and everything. No one was to be at my mercy.

It made me like this. Now I know I can never go back. And I don't want to. Because I realize that life isn't fair. And you have to fight if you want to stay alive. No more pity, compassion, kindness. Weakness. That's what killed me in the first place.

My anger swings only occurred at random, when I could no longer contain myself. When I am no longer myself.

People hated me. They whispered, gossiped, telling lies that cut scars deeper into my ivory skin.

One thing I've learned, is to never, ever trust people.

I tried to restore myself, the sweet good-natured Jessica Cohen. But was she real, or had she always been a lie, just like the whispers?

I kept my anger on the down low for a while. One day, when I could handle it no longer, I chose to take it out of town. I was on my way, almost to Wickery Bridge, when I spotted a man laying across the road. I would help him. He would be my chance, I decided. He would be my chance to redeem Jessica Cohen.

He would be my redemption.

Little did I know, he would be my destruction.

And many things more, that were in store for me.

I had an accident before I died. A terrible one. It soured my thoughts and made memories bitter to think of it.

I was rushed to the hospital, and a kind woman by the name of Meredith Fell attended to me.

She told me not to worry, that she would heal me. She did.

She fed me the sickly sweet elixir of the undead.

Blood.

* * *

The memories course through my mind like water running swiftly through a stream. My eyes attune to the silver sheen of moonlight spread before me.

I feel alive.

* * *

x~x~x

I have a plan in mind.

I will hunt down the man who killed me.

_He _was supposed to be my redemption. I would have saved him and people would think better of me. As they should.

I'd even been out of town a couple of times, my anger overriding everything else. I went to go see the world. But I always returned to Mystic Falls. It was where my parents were born, and I felt that if I stayed away from home too long, I would lose the only connection I had to my parents.

_They_ didn't need to know who I was; they'd start up talk again about me and my temper; my rudeness, lack of...normalcy. It was their fault anyways. When I was younger, when I didn't know cruelty, I was sweeter. A good girl. But they all still shunned me. I never understood why. What was wrong with me? So I shunned them too. They would always be talking, talking, talking about me.

Not just that, but how I was orphaned. I didn't need to hear anything about my parents that wasn't true. I'd barely known them anyways, but the perfect picture of caring, loving parents was ingrained carefully into my mind. Never mind what people said. It didn't matter. It wouldn't.

I drew when I got angry sometimes. It helped contain it. It was the only thing that kept me calm. But now...I wouldn't have to hold back any longer.

As I walked down the road, the blood matted into my clothes, my car left abandoned, I wipe away the dried tears coating the blood on my face. I died, begging for life, from a man who couldn't get his morals straight. But I was reborn someone else. Someone new. Stronger than before. Without the past. Sharp and steel-edged. Dangerous.

Not the same anymore.


	2. Unspoken Understanding

At first it's hard.

I'm stumbling through the darkness, trying to find myself. And when I do...

The girl who I was is lost, never to be found again.

x~x~x

I'm feeding from a girl, my hands winding around her pretty, pale neck, her crystal blue eyes wide open in shock. I compel her not to scream, to just forget. It's easier that way. I watch her leave, a colourful scarf draped around her dripping wound, her hand rising instinctively to the pain.

I run my tongue over my fangs, revelling the taste of blood and the powerful surge that instantly flows through my veins. My red predator's eyes dilate, fading to my dark green ones. My veins retreat, and I continue my little mission outside of Mystic Falls.

New York. I'd always wanted to visit here; explore the wonders outside of my boring hometown. I had more purposeful means, though. When I fed on a human's blood to complete the transition, my fangs reacting on my own, my mind following numbly, And besides, nothing else mattered anymore. I just need to find out what a vampire hunter is.

And New York could possibly be the best place to start.

x~x~x

I will search the whole world if I have to. I just need someone older than me, stronger and faster, to teach me. A vampire hunter. I must learn the ways of torture and deceit in a web of lies to become one. I just need to find one.

About a year later I finally stumble across someone. I'm feeding in the forest, enjoying my meal, when I hear the _click _of a wooden crossbow being loaded. I drop my victim and flash to the side, an arrow laced with vervain whizzing past the spot I had been standing in. Instantly I spring on the intruder, tackling them to the forest floor, knocking the lethal weapon from their hands. My fangs extend and I hiss in his face. It's a young man, older than me. He has sandy brown hair and deceiving brown eyes.

He swiftly pushes me aside and is on top of me in a second, the crossbow already loaded and aiming for my heart.

"You're a vampire hunter," I state calmly, though my eyes betray me as they widen in shock and accomplishment. "I thought I'd never find one."

"To be added onto your list of victims? You picked the wrong hunter, girlie." He pushes the arrow farther threateningly, and I try to break free of his iron-like grasp. His clasp is unbreakable, and to top things off, he stabs a dagger laced with vervain into my arm, pinning it into the ground.

The pain is unbearable but I manage to get by with a grimace, though my whole body is scorching and on fire. "Please don't kill me. I need to kill someone before I die."

"Is that so?" He pulls the dagger out of my arm easily and expertly spins it around in his hand.

"Yes." My voice is wavering and is barely above a whisper, now pleading. He stares into my eyes a long moment before getting up, offering me a hand, finally deciding that I'm pretty much harmless to him.

"Well, so do I. Alaric." I take his hand and he hefts me up.

I pause. "Jessica."

He nods, retrieving an arrow. "Nice to meet you."

* * *

As the time passes on I ask Alaric to train me. Naturally, he is surprised; a vampire who wants to learn how to kill others of her kind, how ironic is that? Grudgingly he accepts under my nagging pleas; he had said that training with a vampire would hone his skills as well, which gave both of us an advantage. But I knew it was also that he cared about me and wanted to help me out. Since I didn't know my parents, he seemed like a father to me, or an uncle. He was the closest thing I had ever had to family.

To him I'm kinder; we share similar burdens we carry through our lives and we learn about each others pasts. Inside he knows that deep down I'm lost and I'm scared, and turning into a vampire has only made me violent and uncaring. But is that really my true self? I have yet to find out.

So far, Alaric is the only person in my life I've ever connected to.

And the only person whom I trust.

* * *

_A/N:: FINALLY I updated this story. Sorry for the long wait, I had writer's block for while. ;P It happens. Anyways, what do you think of Alaric training Jessica? Right now, what's going on is along the Season 2 timeline. When Jessica returns to Mystic Falls, it's going to take place in the beginning of my made-up Season 5 :D (I least, I think so, I'm not too sure yet...) Review, please! It encourages me to continue!_

_Oh, and do you guys think that Jessica/Damon/Elena is the right love triangle for this story? Should it be something completely different like Klaus/Jessica/Kol or Damon/Jessica/Klaus or something crazy like that? I dunno. To me this story is kind up like a writing warm-up so most times I'm not putting much thought into it. Tell me what you guys think! _


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